i have two more days of real classes this week, and then three days of exams next week. come the afternoon of may 1, i'll be done with classes for the spring. this is good news to me. i'm starting to feel like a drone.

the gloria record is a haunting memory of good times and bad. from what i can recall, things were warm and uncertain. there was a constant misunderstanding. we were a constant misunderstanding. the wires were never connected properly, at least, never well enough to make things last. things go sour for good reason though. maybe i will grow from this.

the other morning i made a list of people i work with that bother me on a regular basis. it consisted of roughly half the people i work with. something's wrong, either with me or with the system. i also began thinking about a time where i was the only girl, but at the same time i wasn't. i was the only girl to the boys, but not to the boy at the time. but right now, i am the only girl to the boy. it doesn't take convincing or reinforcement this time. i've put all my trust in this one, just like i did the last. hopefully i won't have to learn, the hard way, the art of breaking trust.

one of the other students in my guitar class brought her daughter today. she was small, 3-years old, and very cute. she told everyone she "was beautiful". her mom let her strum her guitar, which was nearly as big as the child. the daughter asked mom, quietly in the middle of class, if she would "trace her hand". and when people looked or smiled at the daughter, she would hide under the chair. when people would play their guitars, she would cover her ears (clearly, because the music was very bad). she made me miss being young.

i've sat at the same desk in the same position for the past three years, typing in the same diary about the same sorts of things. even though i know i'm different than i was then, there are still parts of me that want to be someone's everything girl. i've felt like a letdown all my life. seriously, you wouldn't think it and you wouldn't know it (even the closest to me don't know it) because i hide it well. there is nothing monumental in my life that makes me feel accomplished, that makes me feel like i'm not just taking up other's space and air. i've always wanted to do something different for someone else, something that no one could ever do before.

i don't know what's happened to me, how i've become this anti-social hermit who only leaves the house for a select few. i don't know when i began to get tired at 1am, when my body started to feel fatter (and maybe even look fatter). i don't know when this cold sore started or why it hurts to talk now, but i do wish i knew how to make it all go away. surely there must be a way to patch everything up inside to make everything come out the right way on the outside. i'm tired of feeling like this confused mess. there's so much i keep from everyone. there's so little i tell even the closest. i'm constantly afraid of decisions in the past that i've made (which is why i never speak of them. i already think poorly enough of myself). i have a thousand heavy skeletons inside the little black box that is my heart. over the years i've attempted to bury it, only to find myself digging it up to add another corpse to it. it's a vicious cycle, my secret little world.