I'm thinking detatchment would be good right about now. It's been made clear that someone is, well for lack of better language, fucked up. And it's not me. So much for everything, so much for my attempts to make amends, to be a decent person. Too bad I didn't try hard enough. There's always some sort of problem in great things...I'm just never aware of it until it's too late. I hoped for things to be ok...but I lose again.

I'm really happy that Brandon is back from school. I realized how much I missed talking to him, just being with him. It's been 7 years, 7 of what are currently the most important years I have behind me. He is one of two people I came out of middle/high school with that I remain close to. We bonded in the priciple's office. We've despised each other and loved each other again...but it's all about love. It's about being there, no questions asked. He's always there, he always understands. He holds amazing conversations. He makes me feel intelligent, he makes me feel understood and acknowledged. Our friendship is about what is, it's about being real. We are real, we admire and respect what's real. We are about reality. That's what makes me feel alive. If all works as planned we'll share an apartment next year. We both know we want it to happen. It's up to us. I can handle his shit if he can handle mine. Because we're craaaaaaazy mutherfucking marg-loosters (loser dudes).



11:44 P.M.
I need a break. I'm really worn out from lack of doing anything. Brandon dragged me outta bed this morning at 12:30 to have lunch with him. I think about his life...I think he's doing well despite all that's happened with him. He's strong, way too strong.

I'm hurting a lot right now, so deeply. I gave in, I sunk, I fell over. I'm not getting back up for a while. I've lost the battle with my beliefs, and I will pay for it eventually. The question is...when? I wonder if I'm right in terms of where I stand. It just seems like as time goes on I hurt myself more and more. To be quite honest, I'm really depressed and it seems like my problems only matter to me. If I slip once, I'll get the boot from my house. Since January I've lost 15 lbs. unintentionally. I now weigh 99 lbs. *sigh* I feel like I'm dying. Someone please embrace me...I'd accept anyone right about now.