She thinks:
I'm not sure he knows you anymore.

I don't feel like I exist right now. Yes, I've been interacting with others on a regular basis. Yes, my physical body has been mobile in the past few days. But my mind is somewhere else, hiding from all the pain and destruction I would be doing to it now if it were present. I know that things aren't right, and I am hurt because of it. If it were really me writing right now it wouldn't be so vague. I'm crying inside for someone to free me. But there's more to that, there's so much more.

I'm impressed by John's new layout. It's him.

Sometimes I hurt because he denies the beauty I see in him. It hurts because of what we have, our relationship, everything. I try to tell him, I try to clarify everything and anything so that it isn't as vague as my explanations in this diary. I wonder if explanations aren't needed, and he already knows what I'm seeing. But time and time again he will lower his head when I say it. It's not that he always denies it, because he does acknowledge it quite frequently. But it just hurts to see him turn his eyes away from me if I speak of it. I want to write to him right now, an e-mail or something, but he's away hopefully have a good time. I can't bother him with feelings right now. I'm hoping that he won't read my diary until he gets home, but I'm not strangling my thoughts when they are fresh in my head for his sake.

I'm mentally fucking myself right now at my own expense. I know it's wrong and I know I tend to be hyper sensitive a lot. This is me, take it or leave it. I'm just afraid that once I let my shields down, I will be struck by something bigger than my fear. That's not something I'm even close to being prepared for. If someone cares, let me know. I think I'm crying to all the wrong people. whiner

I'm going for a look of simplicity...minimal color. Three colors: my this, my that, or my other thing. You pick.

Do you remember the days that we used to say spiffy? They were so long ago, our minds so naive to everything around us. They were the times when squabbling was at it's prime, and you had to pick your friends, I mean, really pick your friends. We all ran on the same brains, constantly picking on each other until it made us all want to die. These were good times that I share with two beings. ***I LOVE YOU***

Does it even matter to *you*?

I finished the birds. There's so many of them...999.

2:42 P.M.
I screwed up my sitemeter...so I had to get a new one. Stupid me, whatever.

She know less and less about you. Drifting away slowly, she feels so far away. Becoming less and less afraid to be the person that she knows she is...why try to please solely one person? Again, her tormented soul cries for the help that only she can provide herself.

Beautiful day outside, I think I'll sit and smile a while. Hope springs eternal.

I fell into his arms today, so frequently had I visited before. He swallowed me outside in the sun, in the warmth. It felt good to be embraced by limbs that always held me so gently. We are always here in the distance and the dark.

I'm washing the car! Jeah.