She's so strange...quietly, peacefully strange. It's incredibly disturbing, but I can't help it. I want to laugh at her and be the terrible person that I am. But I can't. I can't bring myself to do it, to speak her name or to even disturb my thought to think thoroughly about her. I'm pathetic, but that's just the way it is. I deal with it. You should too. I won't even go as far to say I hate or dislike or anything of that nature. No. I will just say that I don't understand a whole lot about the general population.

It's grey outside, again. Damn Chicagoland weather. It's warm though, which made me smile as I walked out of the door this morning. I'm amused by the weakest things now. I suck. With my incoherent speech, I muttered out, "It'll be a good day today." I don't see beauty in myself, only in others. Blah, blah, blah, I am not beautiful. I am the ugliest of the uglies and I reign queen in their kingdom of disgustingness (that's not a real word, here I go again making up stuff). It's been a week since the last tear fell from my heart, but I want to cry right now. I woke up to Aphex Twin's Fingerbib early this morning. That bothered me, so I quickly grabbed the remote and shut it off. A restless night of sleep and a rabbit digging holes to China that will never go through the thick plastic walls that bind her. I was never the right temperature, I never lay in the right position, I never felt real sleep.

I'm difficult. There is no other way to say it. I live my life with minimal simplicity, which I believe backtracks me a lot. I probably could save a lot more time, being simple and all, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do so. I am complex...I reason complex things. I'm stupid. Get over it. I've purged thoughts enough for now.

I'm going to be up for a while. *sigh* Pat leaves for GA tomorrow. He's the best guy friend I've had in years, and I'm sure for years to come. Ironic tonight, no? I believe it to be the first time we've ever conversed with outside noise (i.e. music and the like). With complicated situations and thoughts, it was just ironic that things arose with music. Any other time, there has been silence, simplicity. Time is lost so easily, drowned in thought.

I like the rain when it's warm outside. It was nice to feel someone else's tears. I was warm, being held by everything, never wanting to let go of the moment. It's so powerful. Oh how I wish I could find more words to describe __________ . Smiles are infectious, laughter contagious.