I didn't see the sun rise today. There was no sun, no light, no lifting of the grey skies that hung so low over me. I saw rain, I felt rain. The world turns continuously while I'm still stuck in the same place holding my breath, waiting for something amazing to happen. Time to stop waiting? Should I search? The rain is cold torture to my skin, making me cringe as I walk outside trying to piece together the past few weeks. Why is everything now so complex, so complicated?

I must question my happiness now. Falling down, getting back up again...and halfway up I fall over again. Back and forth, like tug of war. Shower, no shower...wake up, sleep some more...smoke, live...all choices are endless. But which do I choose? I want my life back, and I want to be in one piece.

Random phone calls while you're in the middle of doing nothing, thinking nothing, feeling nothing. No interruptions, all shock, no absorbency. This is what tonight has been thus far. A call from an old grade school friend (while I was in the shower) and a call from Emily at the airport ("..so I thought, 'Hey, I'll call Kristen. She'll talk to me...'"). Emily's nervous. I'm confused. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am stuffed into a small 5', 97 lb. package with fourth class postage stamp. I think many believe me to be a freshman in high school, which is not the likely case. I hate that. The more I sit here, the more I dislike myself and struggle with my feelings of insignificance and self-destruction...which I suppose that I don't mind so much. Better me than anyone else, right?

Pat is gone now until the beginning of next week. We've fused so close in the past month or so and really realized the hard value of our friendship. It is more than what we believe previously, and it saddens me that we only saw the beauty behind it now. *sigh* I'm slow. He is the most amazing mind (no, that is not a typo. I meant to say IS as opposed to HAS) as well as an understanding of me that no one to my mind possesses. With everyday that passes by, it means he's one day closer to leaving for college. To lose him to distance would be a large blow on me. But he will be happy. He knows that, and so do I. And I want him to be happy. He deserves it more than anyone.