It's been a rough day. 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I can't really pinpoint anything right now. All I know is that every time I wake, I can feel something else detach from me. I never know what, but I always awake feeling more and more empty. I can honestly say that I feel my heart becoming weaker and weaker. I can sit and stare blankly and feel that my heart is slowing. I can feel it's beat echo throughout my body. It shakes me, almost seizure-like, and I want to crumble to the ground so the wind will sweep me away. I'm getting used to the tight feeling in my face that dried tears produce. I dunno, I'm really losing it.

So. . .my boyfriend. I love him, and I'd do anything for him. I'm not sure what's really going on right now. But he's been so down lately and I'm trying to be here to help and talk and do whatever. But he does not come to me. So now I feel isolated and cold and useless. When I start to think about the current situation, I feel fragile and shaken by everything. I'm trying not to be hyper sensitive and I'm trying not to jump to too many conclusions. I just want to be able to make him feel as good as possible. I'm not mad at him for what happened last night. I know he's having a hard time. So despite what horrible things he thinks I think of him, I just want him to come to me if he needs anything. Lately it hasn't been happening.

I had a long conversation with my boss tonight about being depressed and stuff. It's amazing to me, the fact that he and I relate so well and he's old enough to be my father. He's a wonderful person tho. He made me feel a little better about things before I left. I know he cares, not in a scary way, but in a real friend, "dad" kinda way. He's so smart and so insightful.