It's an imperfect circle that I live. It's never ending, yet unpredictable. I want to sleep on a bed of needles so I may feel what it's like to be pricked a thousand times and then some. I think it's the real physical pain of a thousand touches in life, I suppose. Yeah, just entertaining my mind, twisting it and teasing it a bit to see what kind of retarded shit I can produce, how much self-damage I can do in a matter of minutes, just so I know. It's not that I'm unhappy or anything, just playing mindgames with myself. That way it's one less person to get pissed off at me in the end for being a spazz.

This constant fluctuation of temperament. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I've talked a lot with my parents about last night, the phone calls at 5-6 A.M., my self-loathing and John's disdain with life. I guess I'm looking for answers (what a funny word, ANSWER). I think lately I've felt like an obligation to people. But this is possible fueled by the fact that I've felt alone quite a bit recently. I think I've pulled myself away from talking because I'm afraid to get hurt.

I've never had extremely good ties with friends. Well, I shouldn't say that. It's unfair to those who's ties have not been broken thus far. I'm sure a good lot of it is my fault, that communication has died down or been cut off. I want to be consistent in something, especially friendships. But I suppose it works both ways, and for the most part it takes two to tango (or something like that). There's my best friend, Libby. It's been 11 years and we're still cool. Emiko, another good friend is always there. Even if she's busy, she'll always try to get back to me when there's something especially wrong. I would hate for her to put aside college apps. or homework or something to deal with my continual shit. But Emily, the only person I've been friends with thru middle school and high school is still around, no doubt. Not too much to bitch about in general because I just don't feel like it right now.

I think the bonds with my parents are becoming a bit more solid. I am able to now understand their crazy antics and their reasonings behind their actions. Therefore, I almost want to think that I've matured some. They're liberal people, pretty understanding and leniant. My mom almost made me cry tonight. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about some stuff that was bothering me earlier tonight. I got most of it out, thinking and speaking and writing. I told her bits and pieces of it. But she was in bed when I came up here tonight. She removed herself from her warmth in her bed to make sure that she wasn't missing anything, as in conversation between us. I hugged her for the first time in so long, and it felt so good. I felt safe for the minute or so that we embraced. She's such a wonderful person, always thinking of others, worrying as a mother often does. But I wanted to cry a good cry. I held back the tears, which made me feel somewhat strong. I'm sure something will happen tomorrow, destroying my euphoric mood. Sad thing that I anticipate it.

My parents were not happy about the calls last night (as stated before). I wasn't sure why at first because I thought they would do the same thing if they found that I was missing at that time of night/morning. But my dad told me that John's mom was somewhat rude and confrontational, as he had to bite his tongue from bitching her out. She didn't even apologize to him or my mother for waking anyone up. She simply asked, "Is John there?" She apologized to me, but it was their line she had called. She spoils a lot in my opinion, especially for John. I'll stop critisizing now tho. It's not my place. Opinions, mere opinions.

I don't like girls. Most of them at least. So many are so caught up in their own web of life that it's hard for them to unstick themselves when it comes to dealing with others and their problems. I think this is why I relate and communicate on a much easier level with guys. For instance, my boss John. He's wonderful, caring, giving, thoughtful, etc. He and I can talk so easily about so much that it just makes me feel somewhat better to know that what I'm going thru right now isn't just an age related thing, but a possibly lifelong ordeal. Shit, I just want to make it thru winter in one or two pieces. Spring and summer are my time (for the most part). I'm stopping for now.