It's 12:26 A.M. and I haven't left the house since I got home. It's fine, expected and all. I'm freezing down here typing but maybe today it will be worth it. I look like a fool, moreso than usual. I have fuzzy pink pig slippers on with these polar bear p.j. pants and to top it all off, a Chicago Bears t-shirt with a stupid over-sized Nike sweatshirt on. Stupid me, I don't care. It's cold.

I like living here, around Chicago and everything. The weather is demeaning. It's probably 3 degrees here and it's a freakin WHITE HELL. There's snow everywhere and it doesn't look like it's gonna stop anytime soon. And whoever works this plows in this city is a real asshole. I think he sets up all the plows so that they're sitting right around the corner from you. After he sees that everyone on the entire block is worn out and tired from heaving 10 lbs. of snow over their shoulders, the bastard comes around and plows all the snow back onto the sidewalk/driveway/etc. It's a conspiracy I tell you.

Random thought: *I guess I'm meaning for this to be my source of bitching, complaining, whining, ranting, whatever.*

So more about my white hell. THIS IS NOT THE NORTH POLE! The pile of snow we have on our front lawn is taller than me (that's not saying much, but it gives me grounds to complain on). Aw crap, my train of thought had an accident.

It's now 1:45 A.M. - I'm going thru Libby withdrawl (she's my best friend. . .bitch is on a cruise around friggin Latin America). I miss her silly antics. Break's been kinda boring without her, and I'm not exactly sure when she's getting back. Sometime after New Years I know for sure. Most of the time we don't do much. . .just sit around talking about hilarious stuff while acting like complete 5 year olds. It's a good release tho. I miss her a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly psychologically fucked up or not. The one doctor that originally diagnosed me with depression used to take phone calls during our sessions so I'm not sure how creditable I want to consider him. The second doctor seemed a little more trustworthy, delving deeper into my psychological perspective on life than the first doctor did. I've been chemically tested for bipolar disorder so I'm pretty sure of that. I notice it a lot in myself too, the constant mood fluctuation. I'm probably really annoying to a lotta peope because of it. Something to ponder. . .

I got my grades for my first semester of community college. Not impressive, I must say. I failed the one class I knew I was gonna fail. I'm signed up for classes in the spring, which means that I'm stuck. I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't stay focused or motivated when it comes to education. I like learning about different things. . .but it always falls apart ("Things Fall Apart", great book). Maybe I have ADD or something. I don't want to fail, I don't want to be nothing. I don't want to be a hasbeen or a neverwas. But I also don't want to be miserable my entire life. I hope I find whatever it is I'm supposed to be looking for. ". . .if I don't let myself be happy now, then when?if not now, when?. . ." Jimmy Eat World. I guess that sounds pretty selfish. My parents have expectations of me (I hope they still do) and I have yet to fulfill whatever it is they are.

I think I've disappointed them so much. I've never been as hardworking as those two have assumed in their lives. They're great people, and no matter how much in denial of it I am, I wish I could be a little more like them. I wish I had more drive to succeed or more natural smarts. I dunno, I'm lost again.