i went to the beach late last night... it was beautiful, as always. i was a sponge, absorbing all that the night had to offer... even the lone umbrella left planted in the sand. i caught myself looking down as i walked to the shore. i don't know why my head was down. it felt like a desert then. i looked across to the ocean, and realized that this desert wasn't so bad, that it wasn't even a desert at all. the stars seemed like holes in the sky, with angels peering behind them. i bet they can see the whole world from there. from here, those stars are merely a glimpse of heaven. sometimes i need to go to this place. it's like my safe haven... but more like my everything-is-okay-just-let-go-and-feel haven. perhaps one day i'll be able to share this comfortably with someone.

Two nights ago I waited outside for John to arrive. It was 3:40 A.M. He was late getting to my house, but I didn't mind. I had 20 minutes to myself to see. It was quiet and warm outside. The silence was broken by the occassional car and the birds singing songs to each other in the early morning. I hadn't sat outside like that in a long time. I saw beauty that was unearthed to me prior to that Saturday night.

I fucking tried.

I watched someone else cry today. It wasn't fun. Unlike me she doesn't hide her tears. Either it was too much for her or she just didn't care. I felt her anguish, although not the same as mine, I felt it until it nearly brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to hug her or say something comforting. She asked if I had ever had a love/hate relationship with anyone. I haven't, and if I tried I couldn't come close. She said it was something like a life-changing thing now, something that just occured to her. I couldn't help her, I couldn't even say a goddamned stupid thing. I just sat there looking like a dolt trying not to cry myself.

Stupid stomach ache, I'm going to bed.