i don't write in here as much as i used to. everything used to be so personal (and sometimes profound), but in recent months it has become nothing but accounts of my days and activities, and that gets so very boring to document day after day.

i've been reading some WWII books lately, love stories and pearl harbor content, to be specific. i read them, and i start to tear because i'm really proud of my grandfathers for participating in it. and one day, when i'm not so lazy and unmotivated, i will write their stories and maybe the stories of their friends. eventually i will read these stories to my kids so that they know what wonderful men their great-grandfathers were.

so i read WWII stories and i think of my grandpas. then i start thinking about how they won't be around for much longer, which then, obviously, leads me to thinking about death. i get scared and panicky and paranoid about getting older, and then i start thinking about other things that just make me nuts.

not talking about my problems has its benefits, but it sure as hell has its downsides too. i have trust issues, and i think i'm really not even close to caring whether i get them worked out in the near future or not. yes, i can get my shit together to get what i need done, but i still feel like i'm dying, and thinking about death doesn't help much either. there's just so many things that are left unsolved, but there's no way of fixing them.