something is wrong. i don't have many people to talk to anymore - in fact i've become quite remarkable when it comes to shutting everything out. i don't talk much these days, at least, not about anything significant. i talk about the things that don't matter, that aren't me, so that i can avoid feeling anything real. once in a while i get a craving to write someone to let them know how and what i'm feeling. i get apathetic responses or a : ) at best. nothing of substance. i suppose i should expect a response that best suits my character; empty and meaningless and merely a shadow of my former self.

i have to be proud of myself because i don't think anyone else is. i have to constantly tell myself that i am someone with a heart full of meaning because no one else has told me so. if i'm willing to accept myself as an individual who has become empty and meaningless, the way the majority of the people in my life make me feel, which also happens to be a complete contradiction of the aforementioned, then i let myself believe it. it's easy to find comfort in feeling mediocre and it's even more easy just to give up.

i am miserable in a way that i cannot explain to anyone else. except one person, but that was a long time ago.