to be young and free again, such priceless moments in life. had i known life would be like this i wouldn't have taken advantage of freedom at such an early age. for at least sixteen years i took everything for granted: frolicking in fields of green, sleeping until i could sleep no more, learing things such as worth and motivation, etc. and now i'm stuck with this stale life, like old bread, and sometimes it feels like bits and pieces of me are breaking off, and as a whole, i'm falling apart over time. so what if one day i will be too old and weak to hold myself up, to dress myself, to feed myself, so on and so forth. of course i have things to look forward to. there's people to love, to hug, oppurtunities (?) that i will not take for granted and pass up, but i just wish that this thing called responsibility didn't come with such a small payout right now. they were right when they said "...things don't get easier, it just gets harder...", or maybe it's just that i regretfully believe that.

i try to avoid people that will do me harm, hinder my growth as an individual, because, face it. no one needs rain on their parade. parts of me think i need my parents around to constantly be displeased with me and the path my life has taken, and the other parts, the parts that don't think those bad things, think that i should just get the fuck out of the parental units' dwelling and cut off contact until i damn well please. it bothers me that my parents opinions affect me so much. i know i shouldn't believe half the horrid things they say about me and how they say "good" with such distaste and bitterness in their mouths, when all i'm looking for is a compliment. and for fuck's sake, they don't even know me, they don't effin know me at all. but there's nothing i can do to make them see anything but what i've grown to be in their eyes: a failure, a community college attending, nineteen, nearly twenty-year old girl with an unsure future, who works a part-time job that almost seems like full-time, who attempts to promote the indie rock scene, and who would drop everything when someone needed something, anything.

this is me, but i am fine. and i want to be loved, really, that's it. i want someone to love me no matter what, no matter how much i seem to fuck up or take the path unexplored, i just want to be loved for being me. it's the best thing i can be, right?