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4*28*01

Tulips and daffodils

It's okay when your heart bleeds a million colors, and still a few are left behind. Everything's 360ed in my life, and I like it this way. I got tired of leaking out the same sad, depressing mush I was feeling before. Now I'm nothing but happy.

So here's the play-by-play of yesterday...
Hans called at 12:30 to wake me up. I got clean, and he came to get me at 1:30, drove to Gigio's and had lunch. There wasn't anything to do, so we drove down to the city, and chatted it up for an hour or so. I had work at 4, and came home afterwards to speak with Sam on some, well, issues. We met up with Hans, Kevin, and Nug at Herm's (stop playing with the ketchup). Eventually we wound up at some guy's house, left there at about 11 and went to play pool. Kevin picked a daffodil for me (it's white and yellow, not all yellow like the ones that were laughing at me). And here I am...and I have nothing to do.

I don't have any explaining to do. I don't even feel bad. I'm not ready to convey that message in here though. I just don't think it'd be right. This is the one thing I'm hiding for now. This is the one thing you will not know. I must be happy because my writing is turning to shit. Oh well, sucks for me.



2:49 P.M.
Diggin a hole... You're a stupidhead. That's right, a stupidhead. I don't even care to share my time with you now because it's worthless. It means absolutely nothing in my mind because I've been dismissed. And fuck yeah I'm angry, and fuck yeah I just don't care anymore. I'm not wasting my silly time on a chickenhead.

I smiled at my daffodil today. She smiled back and said:

Good afternoon, darling. How are you today?

She's perched in an empty Absolut Citron bottle that I thought would make a pretty vase (because the bottle's frosted). My daffodil is pretty there. She shines.




5:30 P.M.
I can't help but wonder if he's doing the same thing to me. I mean, fuck, I understand his self conquest for good times, but damn...must he be so harsh? I don't know if he's doing the same thing to me, and if I'm just not seeing it because when we are together things seem fine to me. I have a habit of misconstrewing situations like this one, so really, I'm quite lost. Love will never fall upon me the way it did with him, but it all seems lost now that he's wrapped up his own business. Maybe I should do myself a favor and just stop now, stop with the visiting and the talking and cut off all ties and communication before I dig my own grave and bury myself in it. He's not going to make me sad anymore, because it's not worth it. I have no reason to cry for him anymore because he doesn't care, because he's too afraid to become emotional again. All these possibilities...which ones will I actually follow through with? I'm sure I'll end up sitting on it some more, until everything just disappears and I am left with nothing. For now, I am happy, and I'd say outright that I just don't give a flying fuck in the way that he chooses to see me. I am here, take it or leave it. But don't be partial. Just fuck off if that's the case.



regress /progress



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