I've been really bad about this writing thing. It had once become my obsession, and still is. I see it differently though, as I see it change from month to month. I'm aggrivated with being aggrivated. I'm aggrivated with people I love being aggrivated and torn up by a life in which they allow it to rule them...instead of them ruling their own (was that confusing?!). I don't like seeing *him* hurt and upset by anything. Everyone around me is hurting right now, and I feel retarded being the only one like:

*sigh* As much as I don't like ignoring what happens around me, I find myself doing it more and more everyday. There is a continual pushing-away of situations in which indirectly affect me. I've been good about not releasing every last bit of anger that I have left inside me, but that residual anger cannot contain itself much longer.

Tomorrow I will go to school, the same as any other day, knowing that I am ignoring thousands of encounters in my life that I should possibly not be ignoring. I will walk the ground knowing that "there wasn't enough time". I will stand alone.

12:45 P.M.
I'm a dyslexic donkey. Wow, they got all this new stuff up on Diaryland and it's time consuming. Whatever, I just thought I'd share. I like random chats with random people late at night, sometimes...last night, there was this:

Him: And well, the machine it was on had a small hard drive error, something involving falling off my dorm closet shelf onto the ground.
Me: sorry that's quite unfortunate.
Him: evidently that isnt supposed to happen ? *shrugs*
Him: *smirks* my mom earlier: "You know Leslie's son Scott? me: *nod* her: I have nothing against people with whatever sexual preferences they choose.. but he is just soooo GAY. me: ah. so it's ok to be homosexual, but not gay? her: exactly." the image of people staring in disbelief when a car drove through montpelier (capital) with a "just unionized" sign and cans still humors me... as if by two men/women obtaining the rights they posses somehow taints the entire system of church and state.
Me: Do you ever just want to go up to someone to laugh at them, knowing that it's probably one of the rudest things you could possibly do?
Him: nope. but i like to get on my knees and put a quarter in thoes gumball machines, and then eat them :-) the gumball, not the machine of course
Me: why on yer knees?
Him: the ones here are all made for little kids...so the crappy toys are on top. dont get me wrong, thoes are fun too. nothing like a good ol' bouncing ball
Him:*signaged your guestbook*. someday when your walking down the sidewalk, and you stop to get a candy at the store, and you see a man enjoying a gumball, just think of me ;-)
Me: it'll be the only thing that comes to mind.
Him: just for kicks be like "Hey Stan!"
Me: watch, and then some guy, who i'm not even directing the comment to, will turn around and be all, "yeah?!" and i stand there looking real dumb.
Him: while he stands there, looking at you looking dumb, and realized you werent talking to him, and also looks dumb, and you both oddly stare at one another, and both walk away.
Him: you know your tired when you read a simple innocent sentence over once, reread it and comprehend it, read it a third time and laugh at it, and contemplate why you are laughing, and laugh harder at yourself for laughing for no reason.
Me: basically. i think i'm at that point right now.
Him: its time for a little deee-light groove is in the heart
Me: I should get goin. i'll talk to you soon at yet another delirious hour?
Him: oh, I wouldn't miss it even for a truffle of custard pie!

That almost seemed like a one-sided conversation, as it was altered. Whatever, I put it here to make me laugh because that's what it does. And that's what I need right now.

That was somewhat unecessary, although it makes me laugh.

6:59 P.M., oh so close to being 7.
This diary is sick. I don't know that I like it anymore. Why? I don't know. Hm, I wonder (I do that a lot). Are you touching, contaminating? Are you happy? I wish I didn't wonder so much...it's dangerous for me, usually results in my falling downward. *sigh* I need to stop doing this to myself, thinking and all. It is the source of all evil, and I wish I could just stop for a few days. But it's always something, there's always something more. If I don't think about it, the concept haunts me until I drive myself insane. I pass too much judgement. I need to kick my own ass. Excuse me, I'll be right back.