Everything is always about mental masturbation--what you mentally entertain is you, I suppose. I'm subjected to it, you're subjected to it, every frickin person is subjected to it. There is no denying, avoiding, or stopping it. It is what it is. Deal.

Pat's away. I know now, and I couldn't help but feel worthless last night because there's not a damn thing I can do for him but be here, sitting and waiting and hoping that he will find whatever makes him eternally happy. Maybe that's what he needs, for someone to be there, always. And I'll do it, because I love him and because he is wonderful to me. I could hear him smile though, which cracked a smile onto my face amidst the fear of him being away. He called to say that he was "thinking about me, wondering how I was". Hearing his voice calmed me a great deal.

It was just an awkward night. 5 hours of sleep and incredibly tired, I just wanted to be tucked away with *you*. There was a helluva lot of tension in the house last night, as my entire family decided to have an apeshit night on each other. So much screaming and yelling and me sobbing for the first time in a long time, it overpowered me, took control of my mind and my soul, collapsing me past the entirety of the night. My family likes to make me feel insignificant, due to the fact that I will never be the person that they've become. I am not hardworking, therefore I tend to fail in many aspects of my life. But *you* let me cry in *your* arms with my eyes closed. Thank you for being so damn patient.

Emily and I drove forever last night. I picked her up after I left the Nervous Center, undoubtly feeling nervous about being there. We drove Downtown and to the southside and back. We both felt somewhat alone and deserted, so having each other there was a plus. There was a lot to see last night. The city makes me feel small, but in a good way. The buildings are vast, and I am a tiny person. There is so much beauty in the city, the streets, the architectural structures, the placement of lights, everything. John left me a note on my car at 5 A.M. as he drove to my house to make sure I was home. I didn't want to sleep at home last night. I just wanted to avoid the family at all causes, and sleeping at home would have ultimately resorted in my interactions with them

*You* make me feel beautiful. How...why? Is it that I see the same in *you...I see the beauty seep from your eyes, skin, touch, warmth, words. *You've* made me feel so good lately, since things between us have solidified. Everything is the way it was in early stages of us.

Ahhhh, I just lost it. I'm too tired to go on right now. My thoughts are beginning to slur.

If you've got some extra time, check this out.

Sunsets are beautiful. Today it looked as if someone had pulled a comb through the few clouds that decorated the near perfect sky. The sun basked in reflection of itself as I clumsily tried to steal a glance as I was driving. I saw a rainbow too, minus the rain. It was strange, maybe a mere misconception of my mind, but I saw a small rainbow too. I'm a rainbow too.

11:51 A.M.
I've become incredibly patient in the past year, with people, with time, with everything. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, because now I don't get angry at things I should possibly be angry about. *sigh* I'm still aggressive, but a lot more passive about things...and now I'm being vague with my descriptions because I am angry. There's not a damn thing I'm going to do about it either but

sit

and...wait.

7:53 P.M.
I'm going to bed soon (please don't forget to wake me up. I don't want to sleep forever) because I'm worn out, and I need a b.r.e.a.k. I wonder how Pat is. I haven';t heard from him in two days, but I hope he is well. He makes my soul ache, clenched so tight that I cannot ignore the pinching inside my gut.

I made Sandy a c.d., a copy of a Bjork bootleg that I found a couple years ago. There's not any recent stuff on it, mostly stuff from Post and Debut. I don't know why I did it, but I hope that whenever she does get it that her day will be a hair better, and maybe she'll even crack a smile for John. Music is good for the mind. It makes my mind dance like a jubilant fairy.

And here is today';s segment for *you*. Today rolled over me like the waves in the ocean. I am crushed by the deepest touches, from *your* words/thoughts and from *your* feel. I've been writing these daily in hopes that *you'll* read, and reinforce the known fact that *you* are a beautiful being. *You* are the reverie that became my reality. I'd slap myself to wake up, but I know it's real...I know *you* are real. I feel it when our breath is syncopated in sleep, and when my eyes undo from their drowsiness, I see *you* there next to me, breathing softly.







Techinically tomorrow
I guess I'm flattered right now. Random people don't find this very often, but when they do, it's nice...to feel known maybe? I don't know, I'm a spazz right now.