I wish I could hold on to those moments forever. They never seem to last long enough.

Why run away? I am so torn right now, so apart from everything. There are *your* arms that comfort me so, nearly bringing tears to my eyes. I felt *you almost cry. I didn't see, I felt. The words *you* spoke echoed throughout me, filling me, touching me, making me ache. My heart bleeds for *you*.

There is never wasted time with Pat. We sat in silence at times tonight entertaining a good old Staring Contest. His house is comfy...just the right temperature. It didn't make me as wrestless as my house. I'm sorry, I just can't touch our time together through anything but him alone. It is always beautiful.

*sigh* When will I find whatever it is I am looking for?

There is never enough sleep. I lay in my bed wanting to fall asleep, but then I begin to think about endless possibilities in which I will never be part of. Everything has been busy lately. I am happy, this I am sure of. There's no question about it. How long will I have to wait to see if love comes around? It's not about rushing, but the entire anticipation that is making me antsy. That's not the right word. Fuck.

We watched American Psycho, incredibly disturbing movie, but good. Silence is only awkward if we make it so, but it was never awkward last night. We sat and talked in the simplicity of his room. We stood and talked in the simplicity of his room. And we hugged for a long, long time, something that we rarely do. We touched a concept that was always avoided...or just never completed. I am filled. I am waiting.

In my dreams I'm dying all the time, then I wake it's kaliedoscopic mind, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to lie...so this is goodbye, so this is goodbye, tell the truth you never wanted me, tell me...In my dreams I'm jealous all the time, then I wake up going out of my mind, going out of my mind.