12 A.M.
Melting snow, hazy sky, an amber colored moon that hung so low that I wanted to stand atop my car to touch it, and a night filled with so much feeling...

Emily and I drove down to the city because we both felt like being out of our respective houses. It was a gorgeous night, and we just needed to be freed of the enclosure that nearly stripped us both of pure emotions. There was a lot to be spoken of and still so many pauses in between. In the moments of verbal silence there were still so many other noises that could be heard: music, car noises, city noises. Good timing was made too. We were out for about an hour and that was it. I'm sure we both teared at some point tonight. There is just too much confusion right now, but our attempt to sort it out was fulfilling.

Why now do I have so much to say...but you are not there to listen? I like to think you care. You pretend not to, but maybe you really don't. Speak truth now, for I don't want to be confused this way forever.

I don't understand so much right now. Everything has happened this week. I'm overwhelmed right now, with thought mostly. I haven't found the correct way to release it all, so it's slowly coming out piece by piece. Someone save me, anyone.

10:48 A.M.
Do you know what it feels like to fall asleep restlessly feeling worthless? To not even want to wake up because all you feel is worthless? To fend for yourself throughout your day because anyone you look at makes you feel worthless? I feel myself fading away, consumed by confusion and a now slight eating disorder that I cannot kick (courtesy of oral surgery, thank you very much). Everytime I stand I lose sight of things and become dizzy. I can feel bones where I thought there to be none before. I've melted away to 95 lbs. on my already small 5' frame. Everything about me is slowly falling apart. Where is the Scotch tape and Elmer's to save me now?

The frost had melted from my car by the time I went outside. As I began to drive, it fell from the roof, sliding down the back windshield. I felt the water streaming down my face at the same time. I felt myself crying again. I had nothing to say so myself, nothing encouraging, nothing uplifting. Just silence and Porcelain that played along with the sunny sky that was dusted with perfection and white smoke from airplanes. The light was blinding. I liked being blind for seconds. It made me feel untouched by what has happened this week so far. It was a rare time where I hadn't felt alone. I was surrounded by everything. But I walked through the parking lot at school, unintentionally stepping in every puddle possible. They felt like puddles of tears. With every step that was taken onto them, I felt as if I were destroying someone's feeling, someone's emotion. I'm sorry, I never meant for it to be that way.

Where is the warmth? I want to be able to run around outside like a mindless child, ignorant to all that surrounds me, never caring how dirty my naked feet became.

I forgot...Aphex Twin's Girl Boy Song was playing as I arrived home last night. Timing was impeccable, as the song ended as I pulled up to my house. As I locked my car, I kept the moon in view wanting it to never leave my sight.

Night...
I got a slinky today, a plastic, rainbow one. It's really a lot of fun. I kept myself occupied at work today with it. I just kept watching the colors fade into each other. I'm a sad story.