it's been a long time since i've written freely in here, this empty space that used to be a sanctuary for sweet, secret words. i'd write this long-winded, grandious entries that i hoped would evoke response in those who read, always to no avail. so i stopped writing for a while, kept everything short and sweet in list form, simple enough to understand for those who did not know me and complex enough for everyone who wanted to know more.

i used to be able to write a lot here. it was almost tell all. i used to write for me, and that was good. i wasn't afraid to be honest, i wasn't afraid that my entries would be too long for anyone to read. somewhere in the past two years this diary has seemed to lose its importance, much like the diaries from my childhood that still remain half empty. i pay little attention to it and its worth. i fail to recognize that this outlet, these electronic pages and its links, used to put me at ease when i could sit at a computer and write for what seemed like hours, sometimes leaving entries open all day so i could start them when i woke up and end them before i went to bed. that was important to me...

so i got sidetracked for a couple years, did the very minimal to keep it updated, to make sure there were certain things that i put into it that i could later look back on to remember and smile/scowl at. today i remembered what this diary used to be like. and i've neglected it for too long. i've neglected myself as well...

the grass in front of my house is bright green, almost the same shade as the green on my pack of cigarettes. the trees outside my house are starting to bud, and the flowers on the crabapple trees in my backyard are starting to bloom. pretty soon they'll open up and the air around my home will smell sweetly when the wind blows, and soon after that their petals will litter the bright green grass with white and pink and the cycle will continue as it has for years. maybe someday my parents will move, and when i'm older i'll drive past a house that was once mine for so long, maybe seeing that the landscaping had changed or stayed the same. it will make me remember my earliest years of life. it will make me remember in the same way that this diary makes me remember.i never forget...

when i think of myself in recent terms (by recent i mean within the past 4 months), i haven't been a very happy person. my energies have been focused on one of three things, in order of importance:
1. friends
2. school
3. work
i've secretly wished for things to happen, hoping my unsaid hopes would be fulfilled by some benevolent force that would somehow [magically] know what i was thinking. (how a girl could be so lucky...)

don't ask, don't tell. that's how you'll come to know me. i'm pent up, i'm afraid to let myself go, i've got a hard shell for an exterior and a soft, mushy interior. for a long time now i've felt as if i'm not supposed to have feelings, as if they weren't allowed in the heart of the kristen. they've been pushed aside, stuck up on the highest shelf to collect dust until everyone else [maybe] will feel okay. i'm sad when no one else is looking, i'm upset when heads are turned the other way. when you see me face-to-face, i smile and play up being silly and happy, because that's good for everyone else. no one needs to see the me that is too ashamed to be sad. no one needs to see the me that no one's ever seen before...

what i need, right now, [this very moment] is for someone to be willing and to want to pull everything that's stuck inside me, out. i need them to want to know, i need them to care. i'm not willing enough to just blurt it all out, to tell you the things i've kept hidden for months, even years. i'm not going to offer myself up like that; i need someone to do it for me, to make me. maybe it will make me stronger...

edit: 1:11 AM
there's this girl, annelise, that deserves a lot more than she allows herself to attain. before she leaves for school at the end of summer, i want her to find a nice boy, like an all-around good, caring, sweet boy. they're tough to find, and really, who would want to find that right before they move away? but a smart boy, a good boy, would want to find annelise. if she found one, she'd be happy, at least, happier than she is right now. her time might become consumed with him, until her departure, and i might see her less frequently than i do now. i might not like it for a while, but as long as she is happier, genuinely and honestly happy, then that's good enough for me because she deserves the happiness that comes with meeting someone nice more than most any other girl i know. she deserves to feel weightless and infinite, she deserves to be held high on top of a 24k gold platter. so please, if you're a nice boy, i'll offer up one of my best friends to you, so long as you take good care of her and keep her higher than humanly possible. but if you hurt her, i will kill you. keep that in mind.