Lots done. I'm retarded for writing this entry, as I'm hoping it will be one of my last on this piece. This is old stuff, and I've fallen upon something new. My trip to AZ was as expected. I took a helluva lot of pictures, got some sun (it's good for me), did some writing, etc. I thought about a lot while I was away.

Butterflies were in abundance there. They're awkwardly beautiful, so colorful and so filled with spastic motions. All so delicate and innocent, they accentuate everything. But I'm still scared of them because they're bugs. I'm a pussy.

Stars like you wouldn't believe...We spent a night up in the mountains with some friends. Amongst the dark blanket of night, thousands of stars lit up the sky over the valley. I don't get to see stars very often, it's too bright here. I wanted to lay down on the gravel pavement to watch. I would've gotten hit by a car (maybe it's not such a bad thing). I'm lucky like that.

Falling from 2 story windows...
Some may say I jumped...I just say I simply fell. I descended because my heart could take no more of the constant pounding I bring upon it. There are no marks to show this tale, everything is internal. I'm bleeding from the inside out, and there's not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.

Sam and I ran amuck tonight. I watched Steel Magnolias with Arianne and Sam. It usually makes me cry, because it's just such a touching movie. I didn't cry tonight though, I just didn't have it in me. The hollow, empty feeling that rose above the heartfelt tears was the only thing that encompassed me. There was overwhelming anxiety for a feeling that I knew was so familiar, but has now been excluded from my daily ritual. It was a strong/weak feeling at the same time, but now that I look back I'm glad that I didn't cry. It's time to move on, it's time to be real

Erica you goddamned hippie, you...I ran into her tonight and we shared one of the largest hugs known to mankind. I miss spending little time with her. Jimmy Li, who has slowly made it to my favorites list, and Brano were at Potions when Sam and I arrived at some 11 o'clockish? Had some really good laughs with them, and Sam and I drove off at 12:30 to drive and talk. I haven't had a good conversation in a few days, and it was nice to touch bases with her. And that leads me up to present time. What do I feel now? What am I thinking? I'll let it flow tonight, I will feel it through the tips of my fingers as thoughts emerge.

I feel like a blank slate right now...no harsh feelings, just blah. I've slowly become less impressed with people as a whole, moreso people in my life. It's terrible to say "outloud", but I don't fucking care.

Here's how I operate:
I tend to try to see only the good in people I care about. I guess I equal out the bad with the good things, and to me greatness will always prevail. So when the bad finally rear its ugly little head and stare me straight in the eye, it comes as a shock because I pushed it back so far in my mind that it's almost no longer comprehendable. Bad stuff falls on me hard, crushes me like a 2-ton weight falling from 10,000 stories up. It breaks my goddamned heart into pieces that I can't even begin to pick up, pieces that are sharp like daggers, cutting my skin, making me bleed. I'm tired of being blind. Love is a great thing, but seeing things for what they truly are is an even greater thing. Love is a greater power than can ever be imagined but at times to overwhelming that it blocks out reality if you allow it to do so...and I tend to do so. I'm beginning to think there was a lot in the past year that I didn't see, things that I held love over. But they were things that brought me down, and love is no equal for that.

2:49 P.M.
He's there craving attention. It's hard when everything equals nothing, but that is what it is. I can't feel anything but saddness for him, but I'm trying. So temperamental, so harsh, but he's throwing back everything that anyone has given him. I don't know what to do, and I'm at a loss for words to explain.

If you don't want to deal with it, then don't. You're not obligated to...

You're better alone anyways... Maybe so, maybe not. I'm being hyper about it, and it's just not meant to be. I sit here with my hands folded in my lap, hoping that something will come along to erase the hurt that's welled deep inside me. What's been done is done, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I am stronger now for fighting off the irrational pain that I would normally bring upon myself because it is now unnecessary. But I still beat myself up, saying that I didn't do something right or something was my fault. No, it wasn't my fault. I tried, I gave my all and that wasn't enough. It's tossed back at my feet, and I stare at it from up above, wondering what I'm going to do with it all. My everything is lying so placidly on the ground, so innocent and tender from the blow it took. Pity is all I can think of to help it along, but I have nowhere to put it. The fact that I see something when there is nothing there tears at my heart, eats my soul, places me at a lever lower than anything else in the world. I'm vulnerable to words and actions right now, commonly taking on some sort of misinterpretation. I've got to stop being blind. I've got to be here for the ones who love me...so few and far between they are, but the numbers aren't significant to me. They have given me everything, and I walk around with my small self everyday to show them I love them too. But I will not exert love if you will not accept it, if you will not accept me. I can't put myself on the line like that anymore.

4:14 P.M.
Happy's eyes light up in wonderment everytime I take her out. She looks around, poking her head through my arms as if there's something that she's never seen before. The house remains unchanged, other than in minor details, but her look of curiosity does nothing less than amaze me. I never noticed it until today, but I wish I could be curious like her. I wish I was able to wake up everyday thinking that everything has changed, and that I'll find something new. The days have been nothing but monotonous for me recently, and I can't help but think that things will ever change for me. I will be somewhere, be somebody someday...but the anticipation beats me down, weakens me, frightens me.

I don't know if *you* are angry at me for what happened last night. I'm afriad to call or email *you* in fear of you not responding. I said what I said because I didn't think *you'd* misconstrew the words into something that I never meant for them to be. If *you* read this and feel that I shouldn't be afraid, let me know. I do miss talking...

9:02 P.M.
I should just start another page, but I don't care. Today has been long, and this entry will represent it quite accurately. To be honest, I miss him and I sometimes I wish I didn't. Below the hardened exterior are the soft insides that will embrace nearly anything. My soul is not solid the way I'd like it to be. I'm waiting for it to all be over, the moment I hit the bottom and have nowhere else to go. I'm lonely right now, and no one's around due to Easter. I'd love to talk to Patrick right now, but something tells me he's out of town (silly intuition). He looks past the charade in my eyes when I choose not to bring things up. And he knows everything. I miss him too...just sucks to miss people that you care about deeply. It simply hurts. Just when you think that they don't care, they speak...and all the bad feelings go away.