life should come with a rewind/erase button. the past is nice so long as it doesn't interfere with the present. and i like the things in my past to stay in the past, but when they resurrect themselves in my present things start to get messy.

see, i took painkillers tonight because my body is all sorts of messed up. i hurt in places that can't be treated by anything else. what i always fail to remember is that painkillers keep me up even when i'm tired. they make me think a lot, they make me sort of loopy, but then things like my legs and back aren't so much of a problem anymore. i don't take them for fun or to get high, but i just don't think.

i also failed to realize that i'm going to have a really hard time watching for me this is heaven after it's done being choreographed. i failed to think about what it meant to me and how it always makes me feel. i temporarily forgot who got me listening to it and why it was always for me. just breathe, kristen. just breathe.

i wish this wintery weather would just go away. the cold makes it hard to just up and run outside when containing myself in my house becomes nearly unbearable. it'd be nice to be able to drive with my windows down or sit outside on the phone on my walkway staring at the sky. i forget what it's like to be warm, inside and out. the cold makes my friends miserable; it makes them not want to leave their houses. it makes it hard to spend time running around the city and the beaches and never having to worry about getting frostbitten.

i wonder sometimes how good i am to my friends, if my being around really makes a difference or not. i wonder if me being a coach to my students is any better than someone else doing the same thing. when i die, i wonder how much of an impact i'll have made, if it'll just be a scratch on a few lives or something slightly bigger. i suppose quantity doesn't matter though. it's all about quality? i'm just afraid that i might be doing more bad then good, that the intentions that i had that i previously thought were right are now completely wrong [and i'm just too blind to see it]. i'm full of imperfections, but hopefully i'll have a lifetime to work on being better.