i honestly think i'm going insane.

last night i was up until 6am, working on papers, playing video games, watching tv, and freaking myself out. katie terror is good for late night/early morning insane talks about why things have me so screwed up right now and how ridiculous our boyfriends' band(s) is/are. i woke up this morning having bit the inside of my mouth so hard while i slept, that it was swollen and tender to touch with a toothbrush.

i know what's getting me; it's the copious amount of [last minute, not by my choice] school work and the fact that i haven't slept soundly in three weeks from overworking myself and the fact that i'm leaving in 5 days and will be gone for 10 and not having a "normal" christmas this year and the past three winters that consisted of boys and the theme of "lying". it's because i haven't had fun since my birthday and fear not knowing how to anymore and it's because i don't want this winter to be like the last and i don't want horrible news when i return home or shortly beforehand. it's because winter has made me this paranoid mess of a girl who used to never doubt love or the connection between two individuals in an intimate relationship.

i'm sorry i'm damaged goods, i tell him from time to time. i'm sorry i don't naturally trust like i should be able to.